I’m going to try to condense an incredibly complex and devastatingly sad situation I’m facing. My wife and I have agreed to terms through a mediator on a divorce that should be made official within a few months. We will be physically separating (if not officially by law) in early May. Despite the fact that she cheated (primarily emotional, but physical too), we are doing pretty much everything 50/50. I’m staying in our current house and she will be moving in to our previous home which we have used as a rental for the past several years. That house is less than a ¼ mile away. $ will be tight, but our kids will definitely be taken care of always.

We first met nearly a dozen years ago and have been married for over 8 years. 2 kids – my son will soon be 7 and my daughter will soon be 4. The love was strong and real for much of our relationship and well into our marriage – or so I thought. The last few years got progressively worse – though I rarely raised my voice or disrespected her in front of the kids. I thought my wife was just suffering from post-partum depression and naively held out hope that things would get better in due time. After all, we always had such a great time when away together – just us and no distractions. However, the past year I grew increasingly frustrated with my wife’s persistent negativity and refusal to seek help for depression. She constantly made comments about how all her dreams have been shattered and how trapped and angry she is in the house. On more than a few occasions she said she wished she could drive away and never come back – even said she wished she had the courage to just end her life. As someone who works in the mental health/education field, I strongly encouraged her to seek counseling. She always refused and said she didn’t see the value in it. She would often tell me that it’s my fault she’s unhappy and that if we were connected on a deeper level, she would seemingly be happier. I’d ask ALL the time what I could do to make things better for her. I was very affectionate, helpful, a great listener, and great father to our children. Nothing seemed to work. I just didn’t have the answers.

During the fall I sensed I had lost her. One night (November 3rd to be exact) we finally let it all out and she admitted that she was in love with another woman and that she wanted to pursue life as a lesbian. What in the entire fuck???!! (Before someone asks, YES, we did have a regular sex life – kids and all.) All I could do was hug her, support her, and wish her well. We just laughed, cried, and talked about the future that entire night into the morning. Everything was surreal for a few weeks or so until we had to start having those real conversations. In the end we chose divorce because she was steadfast in her desire to be with women and I didn’t like the prospects of being in a sexless & no affection marriage. The only other option is to have an open one which I don’t feel comfortable with.

Since the revelation we have had our ups and downs. I’m definitely not cool at all with her actions (using dating apps, going out on dates and on a few occasions staying out til 3, 5am or so, on the phone constantly with a long distance gf, etc) and have called her out on it a few times. She’s very much living out a second teenage/college life. She’s still fulfilling her parenting duties, but it’s just weird. We get along fine, but it’s mostly because I’m putting my ego aside and trying to create as much stability in the house as possible for our kids.

All this to say that I’m worried sick about how the divorce will impact our kids. Custody is 50-50 and we will be close to one another. We’re friendly enough to do dinners, hikes, parties, and other social events together. We’ve agreed to not talk negatively of one another around the kids. The general consensus I’ve gathered from therapists and others is that kids do best if they feel secure and know that it’s not their fault and that both parents will continue to love them unconditionally. Still, it burns my soul to know that pretty soon I won’t have that opportunity to see my kids every day and I won’t be there tuck them in bed each night. Strangely, my soon to be ex doesn’t seem too bothered by that fact though.

Trust that I have a strong support network and plenty of self-confidence to navigate through this new reality I’ve been forced into. I’m just looking for any advice, feedback, or experiences you may have as someone who’s been through a divorce either as a parent or kid. What helped? What can I do to make this otherwise shitty situation work for my kids?

Earlier tonight, my son came down from bed and came up to me and said, “thanks Dad for teaching me how to play football. I just wanted to give you a hug and kiss and tell you that I loved you.” Damn. I’m 35 years old and never had a connection like that with my own father – who is a great guy. I just hope he understands and will love me the same despite the new reality he too will face. *sigh*