>Even
>though U were not directly
>abused, being witness 2 it
>was psychological abuse, "I" say.
>So, U were subjected 2,
>and affected by it 2.
>But U freed Urself from
>it. There has 2 be
>more 2 Ur liberation than
>what U have stated. I
>for one would appreciate it
>if U could elaborate further.
>U R being quite informative/instructive.

A lot of what I experienced was as a young girl. I felt helpless for years and then I turned 12. Puberty is so traumatic for young people, especially for girls around 12. Combine puberty with abandonment or abuse and it's formula for a broken spirit.

I was raised by my mother, an independent, successful but mentally unstable force in my life. My mother wanted us to know our father-- the bad and the good. So, I started spending summers with him when I was 10 years old. Two months was enough to absorb enough violence and verbal abuse for many years.

When I was 12, I realized I was severely depressed and suicidal. In order to save my life I decided to make a move towards healing. I picked up the telephone yellow pages and called the first child psychiatrist I pointed to. I made up some lie to her and my mother and set up an appointment. The psychiatrist met me and referred me to a child clinic. The rest was a turning point in my life.

See, at 12 I was a young girl and I was sleep walking. I was not abused but I was observing and directly experiencing violence and all kinds of madness from my father and the women in his life/my life. I went to school and I walked with my head down, my back curved low. I sat in corners and tried to be invisible to hide my pain & confusion. Therapists helped me wake up. I learned to walk with my head up and back straight. Part of my early sessions was to actually walk up and down the hallway with my head up and back straight! I found my art and my talents. I discovered that I was a joyful, bright, and gifted girl.

I stopped going to therapy a year before I graduated from high school. The therapist ended the sessions because I no longer need help reframing my life. By senior year, I had blossomed and was ready to take on the world. I left my hometown and went to the college and city of my dreams (NYC). I did it all myself because I learned I could do it on my own, without my father.

In retrospect, I was trying to get out of depression at 12. Now, I realize I was subconsciously aware of my faith and ability to bounce back and save myself. My spirit, once a bright flame, was very low and I was almost in the dark for good. My attempt to help myself was successful. I found positive relationships with men who mentored me. I replaced the bad relationships with good ones and, most important, I found the best relationship with my self/loved myself.

"Know thyself"

"Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you or forsake you". So we may boldly say, "The Lord is my helper, I will not fear. What can man do to me?"
-- Hebrews 13:5,6

"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path"
--Morpheus in "The Matrix"

"It's our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"- Dumbledore to Harry Potter "Chamber of Secrets"

<--- Blame this lady for Nutty.