First, he’s a fucking cornball. His hair. His face. He probably owns the entire Glee discography and likes to do Flo Rida accapellas. He’s probably “good” at it too, in as much as anyone can be “good” at that godawful, uh, genre of music.

Seriously though, he’s fucking corny. What a mechanical ass promo. Is he a fucking robot? No personality. None. Holy shit was that like watching paint dry.

His eye movements too, where he’s facing the camera but his eyes are glancing at the correspondent. His work is whatever. Grand Metalic should have got that but I digress.

I’m pretty sure he’s what happened to the frog that got away in Master Blaster, like the frog made its way to the biological experiments lab from Gremlins 2 and his consciousness got mistakenly transferred to some corny ass gamer from Irvine during his noon shift at Hotdog On A Stick. Some magic happened, his uniform got remixed and TJ Perkins was born.

In fact, they just need to retcon his backstory to my annoyed little stream of consciousness rant. I’m pretty sure I’d have an easier time getting behind the mind of the frog from Master Blaster after being transferred to the body of the privileged cornball son of an Irvine lawyer.

Bet he can B-Boy like a motherfucker though. Probably has a fine as girlfriend too. Can’t hate on either but fuck is he boring.