---Western Conference---

COLORADO RAPIDS: In an early game last year, DeShorn Brown earned a PK when Donovan Ricketts pulled a flying kung-fu kick to his abs in the penalty box. Brown got up and was hardly phased, Ricketts was never right for the rest of the year. With abs like that, don't let your wife catch any Colorado goal-scoring celebrations this year.

HOUSTON DYNAMO: yo SPM, you know Run DMB is still here, right? Get back at your man's side, Houston is going to be in a dog fight in the West this year.

LA GALAXY: Robbie Keane, I'mma let you finish, but Juninho has been the most under-rated member of this recent LA dynasty. And Juninho is now talking about becoming an American citizen so he can play for the USMNT? For all the shit I may talk about LA, it does have a certain power.

FC DALLAS: Have you, too, ever wondered what Fabian Castillo's parents look like? I wonder this often.

PORTLAND TIMBERS: It's always Diego Chara. Am I fascinated with Darlington Nagbe? Yes. Am I fascinated with Liam Ridgewell? Yes. But it's ALWAYS Diego Chara. g/f was walking downtown and ended up walking alongside Chara for a few blocks this week. It was one of the most starstruck moments of her life. She said he was walking with a couple other guys, presumably Timbers, but all she could do is stare at Chara. Also said he came up to about her shoulder, maybe a little lower. I'm just relieved she escaped with her purse in hand and ankles intact. Diego Chara v. Steven Gerrard is fucking appointment TV y'all, stop sleeping.

REAL SALT LAKE: Luis Gil. If you don't know, ask somebody.

SJ EARTHQUAKES: It's the stadium. Beyond the stadium, it's Big Vic Bernardez, crazy Honduran in the back line who for some reason thinks he can play the ball like Yaya. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt...

SEATTLE SOUNDERS: I will be -- like most of Seattle I imagine -- checking for regular updates on Ossi Alonso's groin and yes I'm aware how that sounds.

SPORTING KANSAS CITY: Dom Dwyer wifed up Sydney LeRoux so let's all take careful notes every time he's on the field in the hopes we can replicate some of that success for ourselves.

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS: Kendall Waston, absolute hulk of a centerback from Honduras, the murder capitol of the world. Which, and I don't know the story behind this at all, at least to me seems like it might explain in part how "Watson" came to be spelled wrong. The murder thing definitely seems to explain how he plays.

---Eastern Conference---

CHICAGO FIRE: I think it's Harry Shipp? Everything about the Fire is boring -- stadium, coach, style of play. Sorry. Oh wait, Quincy Amirikwa is good with social media, tho...

COLUMBUS CREW: Jurgen Klinsmann is an idiot and called Wil Trapp into the USMNT camp and proceeded to play him as a wide midfielder. Feel free to catch a Columbus game any time this year to see why that's so maddeningly wrong.

DC UNITED: Eddie Johnson always and forever. Go kick rocks Perry Kitchen (I imagine that's the sort of thing you'd think is fun, anyway).

MONTREAL IMPACT: Dilly Duka's name isn't just fun to say, he's actually a very bright American attacking prospect. He's been one of these 'promise' guys for a long time, would love to see it start to blossom.

NE REVOLUTION: Move over Jermaine Jones, Juan Aguedelo is back in town!

NYCFC: No duh it's Mix https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KllI1hgZT04&feature=iv&src_vid=zqO1fcU5hk4&annotation_id=annotation_89205111
His dad might bust your kneecaps if you owe him money, too, being investigated by Norwegian authorities as such. He should fit right in NYC.

NY RED BULLS: Honestly, who's on this team these days? Even Armando is gone. Conspiracy theorists, the Don just might be rigging this market for NYCFC -- get cooking.

ORLANDO CITY: There's probably a good answer besides Kaka, but it doesn't matter. Kaka is going to EMBARRASS people in MLS and I can't wait to see it.

PHILADELPHIA UNION: Mo Edu is a king of kings and Philly I expect to see game recognize game. Dude needs to be a Brotherly icon.