I. REVIEW

Longo 124.86, Smuts 123.82

Despite a thoroughly underwhelming 12.9 points from his RBs, a slew of receiving touchdowns and a rousing second half from RG “Keeper” III led KC’s Pentium Processor to the narrowest of victories over NYU Football. Smuts can look back at yesterday’s Skins game and curse Alfred Morris for fumbling or Kai Forbath for missing that field goal, both of which helped cost both him and his beloved Skins the game. The Texans late defensive TD had me filling my shorts for a minute or so, but the Processor lives on.

FUN 20/20 HINDSIGHT MOVES!
Longo: Shane Vereen over all RBs, Brian Hartline over all WRs.
Smuts: Philip Rivers over Tom Brady.

The Cere Special: Warren Coolidhe 119.20, Ceej 117.98

Monday night, Warren sprinkled magical throwback powder made from ground-up Karl Kanis onto Andre Johnson and Antonio Gates, who in return combined for 26.5 points—just enough to lead him to victory over the Rookie in this week’s Cere Special. Eli Manning putting up the second highest fantasy point total of the weekend helped. Ceej got some decent production from his studs, especially his WRs who combined for over 50 points, but one Stafford INT or one Pettigrew fumble from his beloved Lions made the difference.

FUN 20/20 HINDSIGHT MOVES!
Warren: Malcolm Floyd over Chris Givens, Broncos DEF over Raven DEF (though is that really 20/20 hindsight?)
Ceej: Ceej started his most efficient lineup this week.

BONUS TRIVIA! 121 available tight ends outscored Brandon Pettigrew this week.

Will 150.48, Shells 122.20

After an unworldly Demaryius head start, as the rest of his team put up an unspectacular game, resulting in defeat at the hands of Will, who got great results from his studs and sported a deadly Kaep-to-Davis combo. Shells got six points or more from everyone on his roster, but getting 20+ from only one starter puts him in comfy company with TheProfessionaL this week. Will got seven points from everyone on his roster, the best consistency of any roster this week.

FUN 20/20 HINDSIGHT MOVES!
Will: Stevie Johnson, over Pierre Garcon, Owen Daniels over Darren Sproles
Shells: Shells, like Ceej, started his most efficient lineup this week.

BONUS TRIVIA! The third overall pick, CJ Spiller, plus his backup, also started by Shells, combined for nearly seven fewer points than LeSean McCoy, drafted two picks later. (McCoy also scored easily more than the second pick… and I’ll conveniently leave out that he scored more than the fourth.)

Shawn 155.98, Matinho 139.12

Outside of the QB position, Matinho beat Shawn this week. But when Peyton puts up 60 points, it for the most part doesn’t matter. Shawn’s only other exceptional day came from Nelson, but again, it doesn’t matter: 60 points. Peyton Power. Matinho kept it surprisingly close with Cobb and Cook, and if he’d gotten more than 11.3 points from his starting backs, he would’ve still had a chance.

FUN 20/20 HINDSIGHT MOVES!
Shawn: Alshon Jeffrey over Thompkins or Heyward-Bey.
Matinho: Matinho started his most efficient lineup this week.

BONUS TRIVIA! Ryan Mathews outscored Ridley and Richardson combined, in a result that would’ve won you roughly a million dollars in Vegas.

Cere 142.96, Ernie 134.92

Cere and Ern took a break from scouring the Internet for Warren’s team’s injury reports to face off in this week’s Game of the Week. THE POWER OF ICE COMPELS YOU! Matty and the Smush helped Cere “cruz” to “victor”y (See what I did there, Sarah?). Vick and DeSean unquestionably kept Cere glued to his TV Monday night, but a lack of Tate sealed Ern’s fate.

FUN 20/20 HINDSIGHT MOVES!
Cere: Daryl Richardson or Joique “Not As Good As LeShoure” Bell over Chris Johnson, Steve Smith or Mike Williams over your non-Cruz WRs,
Ern: Knowshon “Not As Good As Hillman” Moreno over Ben Tate, Golden Tate or Vincent Brown over Dez Bryant.

KC 154.22, TheProfessionaL 76.18

Our reigning champ gets three 30+ point performances and a Witten 2 TD day as a cherry on top to beat The Pro, who would’ve only barely broken 100 had he started Julius Thomas over Zach “Goose Egg” Sudfeld. A combined 27.7 points from your RBs, WRs, TE, and flex is not likely to ever result in a victory.

FUN 20/20 HINDSIGHT MOVES!
KC: any non-Gerhart bench RB over Mark Ingram, any bench WR/TE over Dwayne Bowe.
TheProfessionaL: the draft in general.

II. STANDINGS

1. Shawn
2. KC
3. Will
4. Sarah
5. Longo
6. Coolidhe
7. Matinho
8. Ern
9. Smuts
10. Shells
11. Ceej
12. ProfessionaL

III. FUN WITH WAIVERS!

Ernie picks up Julian Edelman for 52 points, Shells picks up Geno Smith for 31 points, TheProfessionaL picks up Andre Roberts for 21 points, and KC spends the same for Da’Rel Scott after Week 1. To compare the record holding expenditures after Week 1:

1. Julian Edelman, 51 points (Ernie, 2013)
2. Randall Cobb, 41 points (Matinho, 2012)
3. Kevin Ogletree, 33 points (professionaL, 2012)
4. Cam Newton, 31 points (Cere, 2011)
5. Geno Smith, 31 points (Shells, 2013)
6. Stephen Hill, 26 points (professionaL, 2012)
7. Cadillac Williams, 24 points (Shawn, 2011)
8. Mark Sanchez, 23 points (KC, 2012)
9. Andre Roberts, 21 points (professionaL, 2013)
10. Da’Rel Scott, 21 points (KC, 2013)
11. Dennis Pitta, 21 points (Shells, 2012)

Notable:
- Cobb and Newton are the only keepers picked up off waivers in the post-Week 1 frenzy.
- They are also, if memory serves, the only ones still on that respective roster by season’s end.
- Shells dropped Pitta before Week 2. Still funny.
- KC proved he doesn’t need to spend his points wisely after Week 1 to win a title.
- Spending only 21 points after Week 1 this year, professionaL showed a valuable lesson learned.
- Shells likely spent 31 points in hopes that Geno will replicate Cam’s magic. Geno is one of two Jets QBs in the post-Week 1 waivers record book-- hopefully for the Professor he won't replicate Sanchez's magic.
- The post-Week 2 expenditure has always been higher the post-Week 1 expenditure every year. Who’s excited to see who’ll go for 55 points next week? (My money's on Leshoure.)

IV. PREVIEWS

Longo vs. KC

Shout out to Guru for projecting RGIII with a 40+ game this week, but I’m not convinced his advantage over Rodgers facing the Washington secondary will be remotely so sizable. Both teams look good early, save for their RB2 output. My matchups seem favorable on paper, but that Rodgers/AP/Julio combo is so vicious. If either Miller or Ingram can get to double digits, it might put the nail in the coffin of the other. Guru’s ridiculous projection for me is countered by the sobering knowledge that KC put up over 30% more than his projection last weekend.

Guru says: Longo by 40
Longodamus says: c’mon Guru, no jinxo

Matinho vs. Shells

Both teams looking for their first W, but both owners likely feeling fine after their Week 1 losses. Although Demaryius faces that Giants secondary this week with good odds for a second straight feast, other matchups for Wilson, GORO, and Spiller are far less favorable. It all comes down to Ridley/Richardson for Matinho—can they bounce back after mediocre openers? My money’s on yes.

Guru says: Matinho by 38
Longodamus says: Matinho by 15

Ernie vs. Will

A shootout in the cards here. Even though Lolmar Miller didn’t get going vs. Cleveland last week, Rice should find far more room, Lacy given the opportunity will find space against the Skins, and those WR matchups are certainly tasty for Ern, including high hopes for Julian “Cinco Uno” Edelman. However, Will’s three-headed running back attack looks even tastier, especially with McCoy and Jackson’s home battles. It comes down to the QBs: Buffalo kept Brady human last week, and Kaep wasn’t stellar against Seattle last year- can one of them break out? In the end, look for a Kaep-to-Davis TD to seal the deal.

Guru says: Will by 7
Longodamus says: Will by 4

UPSET SPECIAL... SORT OF:

Shawn vs. Smuts

I have a feeling Shawn will change his lineup (I highly doubt he starts Heyward-Bey again), but it may not matter— Welkah should help Smuts offset Shawn’s Peyton advantage, Smuts’ RB core is better (though McFadden could go ham on the Jags), and as good as Nelson/Finley look this week, I’d still bank on Fitz/Graham. Shawn should stay closer than Guru indicates, but Smuts should be able to manufacture his first W this week, giving the current man atop the standings the taste of defeat.

Guru says: Smuts by 51
Longodamus says: Smuts by 20

TheProfessionaL vs. Rookie

Who cares

Guru says: TheProfessionaL by 3
Longodamus says: sure, that sounds right, who cares

GAME OF THE WEEK, PERHAPS THE ENTIRE REGULAR SEASON:

Cere vs. Coolidhe

This is the one we’ll be hearing about the rest of the season. Time for their teams to put their money where their mouths are. Neither team has the most favorable set of matchups in front of them, as some of the league’s better defenses are peppered across each opponent list. In a twist of fate, it may come down to Warren’s beloved Rams putting the clamps down on Matt Ryan. If Ryan is kept human, Cere could be vulnerable… but I don’t see that happening. Guys like Ryan, Cruz, and Bush will get theirs, and in the bitterest twist of all, a late Richardson TD will help seal the deal that this post reaches at least double platinum in trash talk.

Guru says: Cere by 36
Longodamus says: Cere by around 20