So I saw Date Movie with the lady. That's right, the shitty-looking one by 2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie. So sue me, I like parodies, and it had a decent looking cast (Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge, Eddie Griffin, and that blond chick that's smoking hot).

God, was I in for a surprise. A horribly unfunny terrible awful surprise.

This movie was literally a marketer's delight. It has something for every single audience. Every single one. It's a trailer of short parodies of things that will span across every gender and race to appeal to them.

I swear to God there are so many parodies of every imaginable genre that there is a parody of RIZE in this film. Yes, you heard me. There is at least a 30-45 second clip of Alyson Hannigan krumping as Tony Cox mugs for the camera saying "DAMN! THIS BITCH CAN KRUMP!"

Seriously. An extended joke about Rize.

I guess this leads me to my next point, where the film was so incredibly lame and square, yet it tried so, so, SO hard to appeal to a "black audience."

Many jokes about white people saying hilarious things like the words "pimp" "biatch" and "smack a hoe." Laughing yet?

Tony Cox dresses like Xzibit, and in order to make a fat-suited Alyson Hannigan skinny, they "pimp her out" in an excruciatingly long Pimp my Ride parody. Laughing yet?

A cameo by Lil Jon who shows up as a parody within a parody within a parody saying "YEAH! WHAT? OKAY!" while singing Say a Little Prayer For You. Laughing yet?

A British guy romantically reads the lyrics to 50 Cent's Candy Shop as poetry. Laughing yet?

I mean, did I mention that the movie parodies RIZE? This parody is trying so hard that it parodies things that didn't even make an enormous impact at the box office. Even worse: There's a good 5 minutes spent parodying Paris Hilton's Hardee's commercial (or whatever the burger joint she was promoting was). 5 minutes of a 90 minute movie spent dwelling on a commercial that rarely aired and didn't really cause much of a buzz. I guess they were trying to appeal to the internet audience in addition to those of us who don't search the web. More brilliant marketing plans from the people who brought us Date Movie!

Basically, this movie sucks. It can't decide if it's a grossout film, or a smart film. It can't decide what type of audiences it wants, so it disjointedly throws in jokes and parodies to appeal to literally every type of moviegoer. I guess they thought if they did that, they'd have a series of trailers that they can show before different films before different audiences.

Wanna know REALLY how bad it is? There's a scene that made me go "What the fuck?" where, as a happy love song plays, Alyson Hannigan says "You make me want to bumfight." The blonde British guy says "Me too!" Then they find a nearby bum and beat on him for like 15 seconds. This is a gag that some middle school kid wrote in a skit he had to write for English class in an attempt to be subversive, funny, and cool. Just like that kid in class, this movie comes off as none of the three.