Hi y'all, what do you think about couples confessing what they got up two before being exclusive?

I'm starting to get very serious with my girlfriend of about two years. She said she didn't want any secrets and told me she slept with someone while on a 10-day vacation she left on 3 weeks after we met and 10 days after we slept together for the first time. We had the exclusivity talk about 2 weeks after she returned from that vacation.

This has me all fucked up cause I didn't really consider that she might have got her freak on during that trip. I guess it was just something I didn't really think about, a sort of don't ask, don't tell thing.

I definitely get the sense this is more my problem, based on insecurities and some immaturity, but this information has made me see the relationship differently. I see our initial time as much less romantic. How meaningful is our first kiss if she slept with some guy afterwards? I hate that I feel that way, but can't stop it.

I know we weren't a couple then, but I was crazy about this girl from the start and didn't really want to pursue anything with anyone else. I know that was my own choice.

I just hate this ugly asterisk hanging over the relationship. How canI get my head right and get over this? Any thoughts?

You gotta let it go. *Teddy P high pitch* LET IT GOOOO!

Vacation dix before yawl were serious...it basically doesn’t count.

Real talk mane, maybe she coulda kept the confession to herself! But as long as she doesn’t still have contact with the dude she bonged and she didn’t catch something and give it to you, there’s not much to this. I could kinda see it if this was some dude she works with and you have to see him at the holiday party every year knowing that he smacked it up, flipped it, and/or rubbed it down. That would be more of an oh,noooo! But even then, you’d probably need to put those feelings in a body bag.

‘Exclusive’ talks aren’t retroactive. And certainly not that early in the deal. You can’t say ‘hey, we’re just us, right?’, get a yes, and then get/stay broken up about something from before then.

You’d known her for 3 weeks. You first smashed sometime in week 2. She got at somebody else around week 4 or 5 when she was on vacation. Yawl had the talks week 6 or 7. It’s fine if she was your Whitley Gilbert but you weren’t her Dwayne after 3 weeks!

Let me be clear, it’s fine as long as you’re confident that yawl are good to go now and she’s not at risk to suck a rando dick on a cruise next month or something. I assume that’s not the case here! So....

Don’t let pride preclude your fall. A good relationship that’s worth taking seriously long term is not worth fucking off because of a week 4 loosie. You’re on week 109 or something now.

>Hi y'all, what do you think about couples confessing what
>they got up two before being exclusive?
>
>I'm starting to get very serious with my girlfriend of about
>two years. She said she didn't want any secrets and told me
>she slept with someone while on a 10-day vacation she left on
>3 weeks after we met and 10 days after we slept together for
>the first time. We had the exclusivity talk about 2 weeks
>after she returned from that vacation.
>
>This has me all fucked up cause I didn't really consider that
>she might have got her freak on during that trip. I guess it
>was just something I didn't really think about, a sort of
>don't ask, don't tell thing.
>
>I definitely get the sense this is more my problem, based on
>insecurities and some immaturity, but this information has
>made me see the relationship differently. I see our initial
>time as much less romantic. How meaningful is our first kiss
>if she slept with some guy afterwards? I hate that I feel that
>way, but can't stop it.
>
>I know we weren't a couple then, but I was crazy about this
>girl from the start and didn't really want to pursue anything
>with anyone else. I know that was my own choice.
>
>I just hate this ugly asterisk hanging over the relationship.
>How canI get my head right and get over this? Any thoughts?

Thanks a lot for the perspctive and humor, I appreciate it. I really gotta work on organizing that time frame in my mind and keeping things in their place.

but have you tried therapy?

whatever's going on with any insecurity, and even more than that, how you felt around her at a point where y'all barely knew each other, has very little to do with her, how she felt, or anything that she actually did or did not do.

it's just something to think about, and once you understand your own feelings better, you can decide if they're the problem they feel like now, or be better able to express to her what you're concerned about and why.

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

It's a good idea. I've tried to take a close look at myself and be open about insecurities with my girlfriend, which is helping. I experience a previous long term relationship end with cheating, which I think clearly has stayed with me more than it should.

We actually went to a couples' therapist, where I explained that the problem was more mine but we were dealing with it together. We didn't love the pyschologist, so we're trying with another soon.

shouts to yall for being proactive about it

and carrying stuff from previous experiences is just how it goes

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

I had sex with someone else while really pining for my main squeeze. In this day and age, we are told to keep it moving, keep options open, dole out our bodies and emotions to many different people, so we don't get hurt.

Sex before serious doesn't mean the feelings weren't strong, she probably wasn't sure if you two would go anywhere and thought, "might as well have some fun!".

In my past, I dated a guy who told me, I can't control if you date other people, but I don't divide my affection and I only want to be with you. It shifted my whole outlook. Now, I really try to put my all into one person while dating. It is about me feeling focused and committed, and not passing my attention around to any ole body.

Exclusivity must be earned and agreed upon, never assumed.

I know you're right. She said she didn't enjoy it and felt gross. The poor thing had also just come out of a relatioship with a really awful person and thought that I very well might have moved on after we didn't speak for two days during her vacation.

It's been really hard trying to keep the time periods in their place, and I'm trying to remind myself of how things progressed and the fact that if I really wanted exclusivity, I could have said something like that guy you mentioned. All in all, though, it's probably good I didn't because she was fragile and cagey and probably would have felt overloaded.

Thanks again.

The red flag for me is having sex because you didn’t call for 2 days.

2 whole days.

Now, since she was coming out of a bad relationship I get it.. that’s the worst time to “date” someone.

Moving forward I think you need to have an honest discussion about trust and insecurity. Just make sure she isn’t the type to have sex when she feels insecure because that shit is real.

You should be good but make sure you are honest about your concerns.

Yeah, I've not been worried at all about faithfulness now. I don't get tht vibe in the least, and I know we've both grown so much as people and as a couple, obviously. I guess I'm just a bit of a naive, old-fashioned romantic who chose to tell myself a story. That's what hurts, our origin story now including a random fuck with someone else.

So you're right, I need to get to the bottom of why that story was so important to me and why I told it to myself.

You never want to be the first person they have sex with because they are usually on a mission and your feelings aren’t a priority.

You may be in an anxious/avoidant pattern of behavior

Like the tv show, the girls had the hoe phase to try to overcome some emotional void. That is not good for the men or the women. But we don't judge men for their emotional hoe phases the same way we do women.

and that’s ok.

and sex with multiple folks would just go away.

just in general.

She is sparing your feelings at best and lying at worst. She'd feel gross if it was unwanted

totally agree

The quality of the sex doesn’t matter in this situation.

Not even sure why she told him but this type of info plants seeds of doubt into the relationship.

Ionno, almost feels like a power move. I hope dude didn’t ask because that’s a terrible question to ask.

It shouldn’t matter since they weren’t exclusive but it lets a brotha know she a live one.

Sometimes we can have good sex with a crummy person. That doesn't mean it was fun. Pleasure and emotional connections are NOT the same.

You know when you have a great sexual experience because you connect on a deeper level. vs. Having a good lay, which is just an orgasmic act with no real connection. To me that means I didn't enjoy it, it just served a human need.

It’s bullshit.

My issue is women seem to always say “it wasn’t good sex” when confessing they had sex with someone else.

No different than when guys say “but it didn’t mean anything, it was just physical”

Typical throw away responses that are meant to make their SO feel better about hearing their partner had sex with someone else.

The point is you had sex with someone else and we want to know why. Not how good it was or if you enjoyed it. Why did you feel the need to be with someone else once you were with me?

The answer isn’t difficult. Maybe you were wild for the night, the person was gone, they threw it at me, etc.

In their opinion or not their concern

As we shouldn't be confronting each other

A woman could lose her life if she said "yeah it was great, won't happen again with that guy but I'll always have the memory and now you too so it's a win win"

Better to just say it was terrible, gross, or in extreme cases...

I think you're prolly right, fam.

If y'all are exclusive now then move on and keep moving.
.
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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

*except in very rare cases, lol.

Seriously, don't lie to yourself about how you feel. it's YOUR relationship, and if you don't like something then it's a real issue for you.

Don't let these folks shame you, fam. It'l lead to you being emotionally stunted if you never explore your feelings and accept that it is valid for you to feel. You outlined WHY you feel the way you do pretty logically right here:

>this information has made me see the relationship differently.
>I see our initial time as much less romantic. How meaningful is our
>first kiss if she slept with some guy afterwards?

Questioning whether she's into you the same way that you're into her is very valid.

One major piece of advice that I have is that if you're not FEELING it, then DO NOT get into an exclusive relationship with her. You will be insecure until you come to grips with these feelings inside of you. Think about what YOU want from a relationship, and if you can't find that with her then you have to accept that and move on. Figure all of this out for yourself (don't go dumping your emotions onto her). That's what 'getting in touch with yourself' is about.

All the "you're insecure!" in the world won't change the feeling inside of you, even if you convince yourself of it logically.

I think that's very healthy advice. I've been trying to strike a balance between allowing my feelings to flow, trying to get to the source, and not blaming her for something I'm sure wouldn't bother most other boyfriends.

it did no good for her to tell you. guess she feels better about being open, but if yall weren't a couple, she had no obligation to the relationship. she also had no obligation to tell you.

but you'll have to get over it if you want to continue. if it continues to bother you, that relationship will be hard cuz it'll always be on your mind.

All this new wave shit don't always work. Sometimes just shut the fuck up.
______________________________________________________________________________

"To Each His Reach"

but.....

Fuck aliens.

Maybe it was eating her up inside to keep that from him but ionno... what good comes from admitting that shit unless there is more to the story?

Which she may not be wired for and is trying to give hints and or she senses a lack of security in the relationship and is testing dude to see if her feelings are valid

Train's right on time actually

there's nothing "new wave" about honesty and openness

some people can handle it and some can't. *shrug emoji*


d

That was 3 weeks after you met and weren't even exclusive. If you said you've been together for 6 months that'd be different. I definitely understand how you feel but you gotta let it go. I think you probably know that but are just having a hard time not letting it get to you.

I agree with the others on why she even told you at this point though. On one hand it's good that she wanted to put all the cards on the table with you, but that was probably better left unsaid. Are you glad she told or would you rather have just not known?

Yeah, I know that. Intellectually I've made my peace with what happened, and even empathize with my gf. She went through some upside-down hell shit before me. I'm just waiting for the heart and gut to catch up with my mind now.

As far as why she told me, her motives seem nothing but genuine. We started talking about marriage and she said she didn't want to have secrets. I would have preferred her not telling me, but I do see this leaning-in towards sharing and honesty as a very good omen for the future.

I think you're good. It's natural to feel weird about it but you'll get over it. Sounds like you guys are on the right track to me. Don't overthink it.

if it bothers you just move on

Also romance, first kisses, and "moments" all of that is feminine shit men have no business wasting mental energy on as you can see you thought it meant something but it didn't carry any value into her future actions/decisions and it never will.

Until a woman says she only wants to be with you assume she's sleeping with anyone she feels like. It's more true than false and also never bring up relatt issues unless she does first

Now, are you upset that you weren't out there trying to make it happen before you became exclusive? It doesn't sound like she was trying to make it happen, but she was on vacation and the shit happened...

It sucks...

At least she was honest, though...

Don't think that all your firsts with her don't mean shit now... They still do...

Say you break up over this... And in 20 years, you look back at this, you really gonna care about what happened 2 weeks after you first hooked up? Nah, you're gonna be thinking what if I had figured out a way to get over it...

People sleep with people... And she did her thing and then decided that you were the one... I'd be happy about that...

But you really have to take your time with this because it's obviously affected you...

If you stay with her, you can't hold this against her... You can't judge her for it... You have to forgive her... You won't forget, but you have to forgive her... You can't let it simmer on the back burner because eventually it will explode... You have to be secure enough with yourself and your relationship to know that she loves you and didn't tell you to hurt you... She told you because it was hurting her... And she doesn't want it to hurt your relationship in the future... Might sound selfish, but an honest relationship is the best one...

Best of luck to you man...

The song goes "what have you done for me lately" for a reason

Look at the behavior then the words and if they don't match trust only the actions

As a warning if you're "crazy" about this woman there's likely an attachment style being triggered meaning there could be a push pull dynamic going on between you two that is ultimately unhealthy

Relationships evolve... love evolves... in a few years, firsts might not mean shit to him... but right now, they do... nothing unhealthy about that...

Leads to not being present or in the moment which is proven to be attractive behavior. Especially with women

Good reading of the situation, thanks. Marvin Gaye said Jesus said time will heal all wounds...but you gotta live right to get the time. I'm gonna try to live right, focus on the positive, keep things in perspective, and I'm sure in the next weeks and months I'll feel much better.

And you're damn right about possible future regrets. This woman is like an angel/best friend/lover to me, and I know she's the one.

About therapy but I'd focus it more on yourself were I in your place

Just be careful with your heart. There appeear to be some red flags worth paying close attention to

Once you stop thinking someone is “the one” you start looking for other options.

been married 16 years today.

Interesting.

just so happened to be the one you decided to marry?

had I never met her or met her later, then things would've turned out differently.

so yes, she was the one I married based on all the variables falling in place at the right time.

'the one' is flawed. folks have found the one and divorced later and married 'the next one'.

"Get ready....for your blessing....."

Neither of us believe in "soulmates." There are just too many people in the world for me to think that I can only be happy with one.

Like you said, if for some reason we don't work out then we'll make our way to the next person we find a fit with.

stuff works well in movies.

And way too much evolutionary behavior to support the idea of soulmates

Also men in particular can set themselves up for future failures by just giving up or finding lousy partners due to limiting their belief in being able to find another suitable person if that's what they want. This ties into self confidence and so on

One gives a more confident vibe when they conduct themselves with the belief that they can always find another and confidence is obviously attractive

As in “the one” who is worthy of marriage.

We all know marriages can fail.

I took dude saying “the one” as in the one who he is willing to enter into marriage with.

Not the “only one” he could ever marry.

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

i don't personally think it diminishes those firsts but i'm also not particularly romantic either

i think a lot of romanticism is just fantasy that can sometimes fit reality

i let my wife of 4 years (been together 6) know that there was some overlap (years ago - before we got married) but she also kinda knew i was in a bit of a hoe phase when she met me...she's definitely more romantic than i am but it didn't seem to diminish anything.

i think your feelings are valid but maybe the ideas around romance are a bit on the naive side

don't ever bring it up and don't hold it against her.

I see our initial
>time as much less romantic. How meaningful is our first kiss
>if she slept with some guy afterwards? I hate that I feel that
>way, but can't stop it.

If that moment between you and her was special, let it remain so. Don't revise history now that you have a 'new truth'; it doesn't make y'alls first kiss any less 'true', you feel me?

I don't know whose idea this was, but it was very bad. If y'all are together and you make each other happy, let it be so.


how women work and how time works doesn't really line up with the expectations we put on romanticism/relationships.


remove the asterisk, and move on. There's plenty of shit out there to kill your relationship...this aint the hill to die on.

y'all enjoy each other, and enjoy yourselves.

by my math, 21 days after you met and 10 days after you slept with her means the next man got it just as fast as you did, WHILE SHE WAS A SINGLE WOMAN

I learned this lesson in 2005, a woman I was putting a lot of time in with (non-committed) was fucking around. I barked on her and one of my best friends had give me the tough talk like "that's that pride fucking with you"

I live by the idea that you're not a man until you can live with the thought of the woman you love catching dick from someone else, but I could also be jaded

Interesting way of looking at things, thanks.

There is no logical reason to tell you about something that happened 2yrs ago when ya'll weren't even exclusive, and you had no clue unless...

it was with someone she already knew and you might meet that person one day. i.e. family friend, old friend, co-worker... hell you might have already shook this man's hand already!

I wondered why she said something but chances are it was with someone who is still around.

Not sure if you've thought of it this way or even need to hear this so def discard if it it doesn't serve you, but that wasn't about you. It has nothing to do with anything you were/are lacking. The important part is that nothing happened after you two got serious. Maybe looking at it like that will help you move past it because the fact that she cleared the air sounds like she is in it for the long haul

Thanks very much for your thoughts. I think you've got good intuition regarding the situation.

i've definitely been shook before too by seeing someone who seemingly went against how we were building. later i got tons of perspective by reading "sex at dawn" and "the ethical slut" as well as getting with the buddhist program (seriously) so drama in this and many others ways has far less of a needless impact on me. i'd say start a book club with her on these topics haha... anyone i got seriously with will be on that with me for sure haha