My boy is coming out later this month. That's my brother right there. There's a lot of history behind this bond, and his mom was one of the most critical figures of my life, may she rest in peace. They're family. His sister and I have been close friends since 8th grade and his mom knew me way back when I was a toddler. He and I bonded the day we met, right after Like Water For Chocolate dropped, and that album was the subject of our first conversation. We've been brothers from that moment.

I love him like few others in this world.

Thing is.. he announced that he's coming in on a Thursday night, going back on Sunday, and that he needs me to help him get around to get his drivers license, pickup a birth certificate, visit his mom's grave, hit up a strip club, he wants to get high and drunk (sic), not sleep, take my kids to the beach, and hit up some restaurant in LA with my kids. He says it's time to turn up, and he's given me two weeks to get it together.

Sorry, but I'm in my late thirties, and I don't turn up. I can count on one hand the number of nights I've spent outside of my home since my kids were born. Not to mention that he wants to spend the bulk of this time in Los Angeles.

All of this sounds and feels like a movie, where the beloved best friend shows up and turns life upside down for a weekend. We're close, but very different. He still wants to party. He's been in and out the pen.

I've tried to put things in perspective but he's a little bullish, and for the first time ever, I feel like I need to tell him he needs to chill. Fall back. He wants to come out, I'll run him to do his errands, but lets chill and chop it up. Let's kick it and get a cypher going. Maybe record some shit. Get down on some NBA 2K like we did Live back in the day.

Hell, we can hit the club, whatever. But he's trying to cram a week's visit into two days with some exhausting logistics spanning three cities, and I need him to relax. I'd be excited to see him if he fell back by about 50%, but as it stands I'm not looking forward to that weekend at all.

I feel like a bad friend for that, but looking at this rationally, I don't think so. What say you?

I'm assuming he does, but either trim that agenda or LA traffic will trim that shit for you.

Also, w/kids you got a built in excuse for telling people to chill the fuck out. And if you got someone in your life who doesn't want to abide by that... I just tell them these days.

For starters, I'm in the IE, and he wants to go further into the IE for part of this.

I live up in Santa Barbara. One of my boys from high school who's in Seattle hit me up like 'what up?! I'm in Huntington Beach! Where we partying?!'

I told him he could drive up and I'd take him out. That took care of that. It's like a 3-3.5 hour drive if there's any kind of traffic.

probably need to explain to him some of these issues and not get bullied into feeling bad about doing things you don't want to do

He was blowing my phone up until I told him that he's trying to cram a lot into two days, and I haven't heard back since.

i hate they are that way now...but what am i going to do
usually just schedule a dinner or something when I'm in town and leave it at that...go out with fun friends

And this is one of them. I just turned 35 and while I'm far from my only friend without kids, the group of kidless friends is far smaller than it once was. Used to be pretty easy to get a group together to go out, even if it was just for a few early drinks/home by 11 type of thing.

Pretty tough to get a group together these days. Thankfully my wife and I travel a decent amount and have a pretty full calendar with that and family/work stuff, but still. I miss the days when I'd be leaving the office, could toss out a text to 3-4 guys and have them all at the bar in ~20 minutes. Now it takes weeks and sometimes months of planning just to get lunch w/some of these folks.

When I try to get together with other guys who have kids, it's a scheduling nightmare. We'll trade texts for weeks trying to organize a 'boys' night' until we finally settle on a plan. And the night before someone always drops out because they have a kid who's sick, or a work trip suddenly comes up, or wifey has vetoed it in the 11th hour.

The days of impromptu gatherings at the bar seem like a lifetime ago

Try to have fun.

It’s 2 days.

You don’t have to do everything because it’s actually impossible to do all that shit.

Most times friends have huge plans and after a few drinks they are cool with keeping it local.

He really wants to spend time with my kids and I'm trying to sell him on that instead of the endless party he seems to envision, because it's an either or proposition.

and i was gonna say yeah you are kind of being a bad friend.

but naw just tell him you don't kick it like that anymore and you're down to do SOME things w/ him but not the whole whirlwind itinerary.

(at first)

especially with the long intro about their back story and the common reference....

Because this is one of the most important relationships I have. I feel genuine guilt for feeling somewhat annoyed/overwhelmed, because he's a literal "shirt off his back" type friend. Very selfless, and that's a big reason I feel this way.

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"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

worn out fast. I anticipate, apart from the administrative stuff and his Mom's grave, y'all are going to wind up knocked out in your living room watching Fresh Prince reruns, at least one of those nights.

Let him handle the licence, documents and grave visit on his own. Tell him about Uber/lyft.

Use the kids as the excuse for whatever you can't do with him...if you really can't.
But if you can and just rather stick to your routine, maybe you need to hop outside of your parenthood bubble for a night, for your own break, if the kids are fine.

>Let him handle the licence, documents and grave visit on his
>own. Tell him about Uber/lyft.

Nah he's out and about, with a job and all that. Frnakly this is only problematic because I'm low on vacation hours and he's costing me overtime to boot.

>Use the kids as the excuse for whatever you can't do with
>him...if you really can't.
>But if you can and just rather stick to your routine, maybe
>you need to hop outside of your parenthood bubble for a night,
>for your own break, if the kids are fine.

It's mostly a logistical issue. The license/birth certificate and gravesite is 45 minutes away from where I live, and LA is about an hour and a half-two hours, depending on traffic. The paperwork stuff alone is at least a half a day.

The beach he wants to hit with my kids is Malibu, and he wants us to stay at his aunt's in Compton. She's a partier, and he wants to party. Since I'm not making my kids endure an all night party full of weed smoke, I'd have to bring them back home before heading back out for that part.

It's a lot of back and forth over long distances, and the driving a lone will take up several hours.

when you gotta be honest and let the chips fall where they may

true story time...

i used to go down to my brothers and ringleader them cats into legendary weekends

they would harrass my brother about when i was coming back because they all were lookgin for an excuse to cut loose

then I grew up

because they are all younger they didn't get it

one, my brother's best friend, literally cried the single indian tear when i told him there would be no shenanigans

when i go down now he doesn't want to hear from me at all

ah well

now ALL of us are older and some of them are now on some "old man in the club"

just put on "I ain't mad atcha" and keep it pushin

such is life

I ain’t trying to hit up a club

Just want to sip on something, talk shit and maybe fake holla as a wing man

I can’t front tho, when it all comes together and we let loose it feels good

Next day tho... regretting the hangover.

halfway between "turn down for what" and complete "poot-butt"

however....

sometimes when you dealing with a cat who is trying to make up for lost time, they won't take no for an answer and just don't get that you have outgrown all that

thats when they need to find a new cut-buddy

that don't mean you've lost love

just grown up

Based on your description, you actually sound like a pretty good friend to him.

I wouldn't feel bad at all.. especially, since you are still planning on making time to help him, entertain him, etc..

you have responsibilities

a bad friend would blow him off completely. to say you're willing to hang out but with certain limits is perfectly reasonable. if he can't work with that, or understand where you're coming from, he's being the shitty friend.

cannot do on your old lady.

Man I use my wife to get out of sooo much shit. She be mad at me having my friends thinking she don't let me out the house.

If you don't have an old lady, blame the kids.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

you're willing to help him get some stuff done. have him narrow that activity list down to things that make sense. that kind of agenda is too much work otherwise.

Not being a bad friend. It's not like you're trying to dodge him altogether. You're just trying to steer the visit to some more age-appropriate timeframes/activities. And like someone already said, you having kids is a built in excuse.

I'd go as far as to say that *he'd* be acting as a bad friend were he to try hard to persuade you to run around the city/entire state for a wild weekend and ignore your pleas about needing to be there for your fam. Especially since it sounds like he's not only asking you to wild out but is also asking for a ton of favors.

And to be sure, considering how close you said y'all are, he shouldn't be *afraid* to ask for those favors. I'm just saying he should back off a bit on the other stuff when you say "nah I can't really do a weekend like that, but I'll help you out and let's just chill and play some 2k ..." or whatever.

Happens to everyone, will probably happen to him at some point, too (if it hasn't already and he's not just in denial.)

There's a decent chance that he won't even want to do half that shit when he gets in. How many times do you plan a trip/visit and think of all the things you DEFINITELY FOR SURE NEED to do, only to scrap most of them?

lol, I was reading the post wondering what was taking so long for him to come out in 2019, then I wondered why he was trying to get high on his weekend out (work release?), THEN I finally realized he's coming out to visit.

Nah, you're not being a bad friend. Tell him you gotta chill some. Personally, having my time scheduled for me stresses me out. He can't just come by the crib and chill?

And yeah, LA driving ain't no joke. The drive from East LA to Santa Monica took us almost as long as the drive from Philly to New York City (weekday traffic).

one of my groomsmen and I are polar opposites, we're going on 40 and he's not interested in growing up. I hung with him while he was in town in October because it happened to coincide with a weekend where my wife wasn't here. he's called me a bad friend for not wanting to hang, but hanging always turns into shit I don't want to be around

someone else expressed doubt about me moving to LA (June will be 7 years), then he showed total disregard when I tried to reconcile asking him to be in the wedding, we havent spoken much in 5 years

I know me...

I’ll talk myself out of why I shouldn’t go so it may take an extra push for me to go. usually I end up enjoying it especially if it’s with the homie. The other outcome...your friend learns exactly who you are now.

Dang homes, Live a little outside of your comfort zone. Set a few expectations and go have same fun with your brother.



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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

...especially with kids around. You know how it is when your time is not 100% your own. Rest is not guaranteed. Being a zombie for days sucks pretty bad.

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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

Hire a baby sitter, drink water, take some vitamins and have some fun. You just need to self regulate and moderate yourself. Say no when it gets too much.

I love when friends come to town. A great excuse to break up the monotony. I call out of work, get the kid situated and then I let loose!

Needs to get out and enjoy himself. So something besides Social Media.


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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

I haven't posted much at all recently. It's been very here and there, even in the NBA trade post.

And when I do post a lot? It's sporadic and in bursts, generally confined to one or two posts.

Often enough, those posts consist largely of a back and forth with you, or someone like you. So hi, Pot. Kettle here, but we've met.

But hey, you're a christian and, allegey, a pastor after all, not one to let pesky things get in the way of a good fairytale:)

I'll say this though: your passive aggressive antagonism is always a treat, because you consistently illustrate just how basic you are in a way that borders on performance art.

The guy who opens the Non Sequitur comic strip could sue you for copywriters infringement, if this weren't just who you are🤣

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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

I realize you've been heavily indoctrinated into a cult that requires innumerable layers of insulation and confirmation bias in order to maintain your delusion, but here's a protip:

Obtaining outside perspective is a good thing. It helps you evaluate the merit of your perceptions, beliefs and decisions from a more objective standpoint.

You're welcome.

Be a grown man and go hang out with ya fam and stop looking for folks to help you cope.


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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

First, you do realize that you can troll without putting your stupidity on full display. Seriously, you don't have to form the dumbest, most pea-brained conclusions to troll for negative attention.

I realize that it's hard for you to grasp anything with the slightest bit of nuance though.

What sort of pastor, or any Christian, would encourage such a night anyways? I wonder how your imaginary friend would feel about your Christian leadership here? or your fellow church clergy for that matter.

But hey, you and I both know that it's more important for you to troll someone than to minister to them. A wolf is a wolf though, you have to be who you are.

That said, I've given you more attention than you deserve.

I'll be more than happy to lavish you with plenty of attention in your next backward, brain-dead, fallacy-filled cult post, but I'm through giving you attention in mine :)

Goodbye for now :)

wth

On some 48 hours steez.

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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

ima make a book of these joints.

and do not engage the Rev.

Driving from (where you at) to LA and BACK?! to drop off some kids?!! so you can go do WHAT?! <---all the Soulja Boy memes

I need a nap from reading all that.

you grown, bruh.

do what you can and blame the rest on ya kids. NOT YOUR LADY.

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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

I just spelled it right.

in the spirit of phila-del-phia, brotherly love, let me have at these foibles my guy. You misspell stuff quite often, and I find it amusing to call it out.

And give him good directions on how he can do the rest himself.

Pick one night to hang out with him so you get that out of the way and a few daytime activities that you don't mind. Tell him that the others would be borderline impossible for you to roll with him.

It's just a few days so you'll both be fine. If he's your friend he'll understand that you can't drop everything and wild out hangover style.

beyond exhausting.. and potentially sketchy AF.

We are about the same age (you and I). I had a similar situation visiting my main man in Miami recently, dude I lived with in college and chilled with all the time, even stayed strong living all over the place across states and even countries. But we hadn't seen each other in three years or so and I made a side trip to Miami to see him after a work trip to Tampa. We mostly just kicked it during the week and then went big on the weekend, couple all nighters and whatever. I'd say take him to handle his shit, maybe the beach and one night out. Dude is trying to have like a whole big ass The Hangover agenda and you are not checking for it. Understandable, but it's fun to make a run at it once in a while.

We become insanely insular with marriage, family, career etc. for whatever reason that we don't realize the importance of outside support, building with your day ones etc. Without strong ties, who are we? He with the most value based relationships wins. If you really value this brother, there's ways for you to both get what you want. Is it really an all or nothing proposition? Just say "I know you wanted to do X,Y,Z and I want to kick it with you but this weekend, I'm only able to put A,B, and C on the agenda." There's room for compromise.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to grandstand on some "You need to grow up." about how *you* want the weekend to play out. Yes, you have your life and he has his, and it seems like you're both living positively - but no need to try to establish a moral highground to simultaneously shame him and substantiate your decision. If he's a friend, he'll receive where you're coming form.

Besides the remainder of what you said, please tell me how you arrived at the understanding that "Male relationships seem to dissolve in our 30s" and "We become insanely insular with marriage, family, career etc. for whatever reason that we don't realize the importance of outside support, building with your day ones etc"?

How did you arrive at this because I've experienced the direct opposite? Sure, there's such a thing for priorities when it comes to family, but I doubt that men are insanely insular. Maybe you didn't mean to say insular, but I'm curious.


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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ~ Albert Einstein

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

I sincerely wish that wasn't the case, but in addition to some allusions in this very thread as to why, it's pretty widely recognized:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/nov/07/why-men-lose-friends-in-their-30s

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/nz8k3q/five-ways-you-lose-your-friends-in-your-30s

http://www.executivestyle.com.au/why-do-millions-of-men-have-no-close-friends-gl3tu2

I was sincere about the insularity of it all. I was thinking about getting married once, and an old head told me if anything goes wrong in your house, people won't look at your wife - they'll look at you. In trying to be the head of household, stay employed and provide for the kids, keep the wife happy, etc. men can find themselves just digging in and "doing the work" day in and day out, neglecting what gives them fulfillment like hobbies and friendships. Women with the commonality of family and marriage tend to make and maintain their relationships well into adulthood based on that. For us, not so much. The first article I posted mentions that a lot of men, while even in relationships feel isolated.

On top of that, there's a lot more at play that causes male friendships to die. After marriage/family, they may feel they can't relate to their friends anymore (especially if they're single - and it reminds them of who they once were) and lean on their wives relationships more - the "I'm grown now." stunt. If they're beholden to their family, there may be jealousy if someone they started off with has more latitude financially, in life, whatever while they have to schedule carpool or take the long way home from work to get some alone time. More often than that, it's just ego. No one wants to break or be the first to reach out. "Oh, he'll be aiight. I'll hit him next week."...and then next week never comes.

Anecdotally, it's happened to me. My best friend for almost 30 years got married a couple years ago and then basically cut me off. I did my part to reach out and repair the relationship, but it wasn't reciprocated. It is what it is. People and circumstances change, but I think there's something to be said for being a stand up dude and having a community around you that you both gain from and you put into, who actually have seen your development. Maintaining close friendships is part of that.

Kids come first so a part of that schedule has to go. Do the things that fit into your schedule and ditch the rest. You got a job and cannot get legit turnt with a negative hit on performance.

"hit up a strip club, he wants to get high and drunk (sic), not sleep,"

you can hit the club but you don't have to stay all night, the rest just tell him you have a family and you don't do that any more and if he can't respect that is he really a friend?

I went through a similar thing with one of my boys in town last weekend. We used to go hard back in the day. This time he would be with his family until like 10 or 11 pm and then want to link up which was normal back in the day but now I go to bed at that time lol.

I finally saw him Saturday he showed up at this party I was at like 12, I left shortly after he got there. I could tell he felt some type of way but oh well, Father Time is undefeated lol.

That's your friend. Y'all negotiate it to where y'all have a comfortable set of activities planned, with some time to chill spaced in.

Enjoy yourself, man. Make sure you do things you can all enjoy, even if that means just chilling with each other.

We spoke a few times before the weekend got there, and I did my best to find some sort of middle ground.

His entire focus, under every circumstances, was smoking as much weed as possible. He was talking about riding around and smoking out, which I shut down without compromise. NAH. THAT AIN'T HAPPENING. So then he offers the compromise of him just eating edibles. He was also talking about hitting the dispensary.

Here's the thing: dispensaries out here stay getting shut down.

Further, I'm not driving around while he gets high in my car. First, I'm not a smoker and never was, so his heavy insistence on making that such a big part of the weekend wasn't working for me.

But he also kept talking about "business". First, his prior incarceration was a drug charge. So it's pretty easy to connect these dots. He eventually came around to hitting a Lupe concert, a BBQ event, and a few other options, instead of trying to do Hangover 4. But he never budged on the weed tip.

So I made up some excuse about suddenly getting sent out of town for work, because I couldn't bring myself to just tell him I didn't want to kick it. And I felt bad about that, and wish I'd have just been up front. But that's what it is.

He wound up spending all his funds on that leaf, and wound up spending the whole weekend blazing. He did absolutely nothing.
It can certainly be argued that it may not have gone down like that had I been there, but I doubt it.

Anyhow, I'm supposed to mail him his drivers license, and he hits me with a CALL ASAP text. I call, and he tells me to hold off because he needs to get a new mailing address.

Why?

Because he had his fucking cousin MAIL HIM SOME FUCKING WEED.

But W-W-W-W-WAIT IT GETS WORSE!!! (c) Sticky

His. Fucking. Cousin. Sent. That. Shit. To. The. Wrong. PO BOX.

Yeah.

So he gets to the post office and they tell him he has to go to some back room to pick up his package.

This fucking guy.

I tell him to start looking at lawyers. I don't really know what his culpability is here, but yeah. Doesn't look good on the surface.

I shouldn't laugh at your guys bad fortune but LMAO... that story bout his cousin's postal mishap is pretty funny... your buddy is obviously in a constant state of fuck-uppery smdh.. like I said.. way to dodge the bullet.

I got a little loud on some "YOU NEED TO..." and then said man I'm not going to start ranting. Just call some lawyers and handle your biz.

He's fucking 40 doing this shit.

Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
http://Tupreme.com

Eighths started at $25-$30 at the dispensary I went to. $60 and he should've been straight for days. Smoking weed in a car is illegal tho.

He said he had five bills to spend over the weekend. I hit him up to see if he was still planning on hitting up the Lupe concert because I saw a post Ryan made offering tickets for $70, and he said he spent his funds on weed.

Some people just can’t do the right thing.

I’m lost tho. Seems like you mail trees to Kansas or Nebraska.

Why the hell you sending weed to Cali?