I’ve been thinking a lot about my upbringing and how that affects me today. I’m in my 30s and I’m being forced to confront whether I want to be a mom and how I might raise my child.

All of this brings me to how my mother raised me. She wasn't what I’d call “progressive” because she’s was/still is a bit homophobic, etc., but in hindsight, she was fairly progressive in some areas, especially for a stereotypical Black parent.

What did your parents get right that you are doing now, or will do when you have kids? What are you doing that they didn’t do?

THE BAD, aka things my mom did that I won’t be repeating if I have kids:

1) Not encouraging my creativity. We had the money but I had to beg my mom for dance and music lessons for months, and in some cases, years. I don’t feel like a real creative but I am the most creative/left-of-center person in my family. My creativity was not fostered like I wish it had been.
2) Being weird about sex - I ain’t even gonna elaborate.
3) Discouraging me from working in college - Not only was I told, “You need to focus on school,” when I explored a securing a part-time position off campus but I received very few funds for food, entertainment, toiletries, etc. Enter: credit cards. Dammit!
4) Bad mouthing the other parent. She did this with my father, while simultaneously telling me to spend time with him and to not be irritated with him for good reason. Of course, her disgust for him was perpetually on display… #DoAsISayNotAsIDo
5) Not having a competitive attitude about education - I probably regret this the most. It’s tricky, though. My mom DID care about education; she just wasn’t as competitive as I thought she should be. Now, my older sister was in a Montessori, and when we were still living in the city and watching the local school system go downhill, she enrolled her in a local private school because she could afford it. We moved to the ‘burbs mainly for better public schools when it was time for me to enter elementary school. Now, what’s the problem? I wasn’t enrolled in foreign language soon enough and I wasn’t on the competitive track, initially. Although I was a good student and made Honor Roll, I wasn’t necessarily a great student. I wish I was pushed harder. My mom did not research the curriculum; she just assumed I was good because she had too much faith in the school system. Most of them white folks didn’t care especially as the district became more diverse. I took some corrective action in high school and got my ass in honors and AP, and eventually a moderately competitive college. By contrast, my childhood best’s friend father was giving my friend supplemental reading material, challenging teachers, making sure she was in the competitive classes, if qualified, etc.
6) Not encouraging me to save money from an early age although she was mad frugal, smart and savvy with her money. It’s funny, my sister and I had those Coca-Cola-shapped piggy banks but I think my stepdad got those for shits and giggles. I received a little financial literacy but not enough.
7) Spoiling me... a bit too much - I’m the youngest, biologically speaking, and boy do I act like it…I wince when I think about the amount of money my mom spent on me compared to my older sister and younger cousin, who she practically adopted was I was about 13. Whew!

THE GOOD

1) Not being the stereotypical Black mama who is stern for no particular reason. My mom was very loving. I didn’t deal with verbal abuse or any other form of abuse growing up.
2) Little-to-no spanking. I got tapped a few times in elementary school, but generally, my mom was not into physical discipline.
3) Not taking away my computer when others insisted. I became a bit withdrawn in my teens and began spending more time on the ‘net. Some insisted she revoke my Internet access but she knew this was the only way or one of the few ways I could gather information about topics I cared about circa the early aughts, e.g. Natural hair, indie music
4) Being open to mental health - My mom did not hesitate to explore therapy options for me when I was teen. Mental health was not stigmatized in my household.
5) Not forcing me to go to church -This is major because I grew up going to church twice a week. Once I decided Christianity was not for me around 13, my desire to go to church ceased. She was/is disappointed but she decided to focus her on energy on other matters and I am grateful for it.
6) Respecting my body autonomy/personal lifestyle choices as I become more informed about food/products - She didn’t “get” my foray into natural living/vegetarianism but she still respected it. As a teen, she took me to health food stores or gave me money so I could buy what I couldn’t find at Kroger/Meijer, etc.
7) Enrolling me in summer programs in the city with majority Black students - My family moved from the city to the ‘burbs when I was starting elementary school. Being in the city with my dad on the weekends and in the summer gave me a diverse experience. It also helped me deal with suddenly being around white kids all day after spending my formative years in a predominately Black environment.
8) Encouraging literacy. She's a big reader and I'm a big reader. I remember many trips to the library and bookstore growing up. ;-)
9) Not sheltering my sister, cousin and I too much. She's mad religious but we could still watch cable and listen to the radio.