I turned 30 this year and well
I am around all sorts of people in my field
I am very sociable and have this gift of helping people feel comfy talking to me... and opening up to me
well - it goes hand in hand with my career as a Nurse.
I think its part of human nature and just human to be attracted to other humans
but it gets difficult when a human is in a relationship
and as much as they would want to be faithful - shit happens
BUT
they go back to their "significant other" as in - they might have sex and get their nut -
HOWEVER
they can compartmentalize that as just an act then go back to their spouse/significant other
that just one type of compartmentalizing,
but then people get caught up and like the thrill of it, selfish,
want more - then shit gets complicated and people get hurt

I know its a complex topic
and curious to see what you guys think/thoughts on this
and for everyone to expound on their opinions
because everyone I know has cheated in one form or another
either know - or have talked to

___________________
Nas >>> your favorite rapper's favorite rapper

one opinion on a complex topic doesnt necessarily mean I am jaded
its an opinion based on everyone I have talked to
and everyone I have talked to has cheated

for you it can be different
but I am talking on personal experience
I havent met ONE person who hasnt cheated
and I work as a nurse at two separate facilities
I have talked to A LOT of people
not one so far

___________________
Nas >>> your favorite rapper's favorite rapper

from everyone that you know and have talked to
maybe they havent told you cus they are embarrased
or arent comfortable enough to tell you
who knows

___________________
Nas >>> your favorite rapper's favorite rapper

but keep it to themselves.

And my "don't be so jaded" comment wasn't necessarily directed right at you, but more generally to anyone who may feel that cheating is just the way it is. Certainly a lot of people do cheat, I do understand that, but I don't think it's a universal truth.

....the best/ideal things in life are "rare"


So, as most would categorize a really fulfilling relationship as a "best"/"ideal" thing, then those relationships are rare.

If those relationships are "rare", then the usual "run of the mill" relationships (and esp. the horrendous/terrible relationships) make people want to cheat.

I know some say people even cheat when they have "good" relationships, but....that's just dumb.

just not on everybody.

That usually changes when a serious commitment is made and there is a genuine concern for that person.

iono mayne.

it really isnt that hard.

especially since im broke and ugly.

lemme see a picture
___________________
Nas >>> your favorite rapper's favorite rapper

...between women and men. At least the cheating that really matters... the shit that breaks up hearts and relationships.


Men cheat by having side relationships. Women cheat by having side sex.

Not everyone cheats.

In my experience most dudes just wanna smash on the side...chicks can go either way. Some wanna smash but many wanna feel loved and want the attention and appreciation that they don’t get at home. When they find it it often leads to more than sex.

From talking about cheating with random folks over the years, that pattern emerged. Seems like ladies would be more pissed if I had a side chick that I treated better than them (bought her a Louis bag, nothing for my GF), than they would if they found out I smashed some random jawn one night. And I know I would be more pissed if my girl fucked some random dude than if she had a "work husband" that she was making googly eyes at while they are going to lunch (w/ no fucking).

All the above is cheating, but I think what's worse differs.

I don't know how to resolve that with my heart.
"cheating being a natural part of life"

Like. are you saying we should just except it?

cats aren't accidentally having sex

and accidentally lying about it

and accidentally doing it again for months.

a lot of people do not want to be monogamous, or don't want to be in long-term relationships at all. but they don't tell the people they're in relationships with that fact.

they still do what they want.

not wanting to be monogamous or not wanting to be locked in a relationship isn't a bad thing, but the part where they gotta lie about it -- that's the issue. and imo a lot of folks like having a secret like that.

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

and now our relationship is cheat-proof

cheating is just a form of lying. when there is no reason to lie, "cheating" just kinda fades into non-existence

So I think cheating must be exciting for some people. Because all you have to do is say, "I like/love you but I don't want to be exclusive" or "Please use protection and let's be transparent."

Some people really need more than one person. One guy might have great chemistry and sex, but hate going out. Guy two may love hanging out adn dancing but have no intellectual stimulation.

There is no reason not to date multiple people if you are open. I think everyone wants the benefit of a main squeeze but they don't want to lose the privilege of staying in the game.

Cheating is outdated. Exclusivity is aspirational over the long run, but unrealistic. Next we need to practice honest, open communication.

How does that work for you? I'm curious.


.
.
Current Favorite Song: https://youtu.be/8v_KFHnPImY

"I cannot see how nature could have created itself. Only a supernatural force that is outside of space and time could have done that. ~ Francis Collins

I recommend digesting some of her talks, writings or interviews

It sucks that sometimes (a lot of the times) the faithful ones have unfaithful mates.

https://gph.is/1fbBCAa

https://gph.is/2ebGLyG

Younger people think they have lots of options so they treat each other like dirt when dating.

I found that after 35 most people want to zone in on someone who cares about them, they can have fun with and trust. Sex becomes less and less important. Status or trophy partners are seen for what they really are and time becomes more valuable.

I don't want to waste my time with someone who wouldn't even visit me in the hospital. Might as well date someone who is down for me and me for them.

I didn't think this way in the past. I used to think that people were disposable. Men can come and go, so it doesn't matter how long or how loyal.

Someone who cares is more important than strangers you can fuck.

Me, I think it's funny when they cheat on each other - especially when they pass around VD or someone gets heated and ends up in jail.

At least we'll all be dead in 100 years.

it can be anyone
any ethnicity
any race
any gender

This is what leads to cheating. Most relationships are built on false pretenses about the individual and their so. It isn't always malicious but once the ground has been broke, the pit of insecurities quickly drops to six feet until both parties are buried in them.

I'd argue that this is over 65% a function of societal 'norms' that constantly have us judging one another and ourselves.

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Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

>This is what leads to cheating. Most relationships are built
>on false pretenses about the individual and their so. It isn't
>always malicious but once the ground has been broke, the pit
>of insecurities quickly drops to six feet until both parties
>are buried in them.
>
>I'd argue that this is over 65% a function of societal 'norms'
>that constantly have us judging one another and ourselves.

it's as much a function of people lying to themselves about what they want as lying to each other

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

I agree that we may be poor judges of character but I also think we give up on relationships easy too.

Like. there’s a difference between a person that cheated and one whom continues to cheat.

>Like. there’s a difference between a person that cheated and
>one whom continues to cheat.
>
>


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Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

maybe we hit a rough patch
and you stepped out.
the relationship still can be saved if we work through our indifference
I believe that...

Probably didn't judge them that well if they use that as an excuse to cheat, or misinterpreted what a rough patch means.

█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃
Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

they all have rough patches. I don’t believe infidelity is the result of bad judgment of the victim. People change. I’m operating from the theory of “people changing”...us not being the same person we were when we first hooked up...

Please let me know if I’m not understanding you correctly...

Weren't honest about themselves or the other of a rough patch leads to cheating. Rough spots are a natural part of the relationship and whatever the rough spot there is probably a miscommunication/misinterpretation of said spot if one feels it is grounds to cheat. Expectations aren't aligned, and someone was lying to themselves to uphold a perception that wasn't based on a mutual understanding.

The thrill of love infatuation list can easily blind to the mundane of honest communication. Feelings get in the way of acknowledging who we really are. Until it gets to those real honest conversations though it's all just building up to people hurting each other to protect their own feelings.

█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃
Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

I approached our conversation believing that youre saying cheating is the result of our poor choices of a mate. I agree with that in part. However, there's no real gauge for who will cheat or not.. With this in mind, are you saying, if we chose better cheating wouldn't occur?

First and foremost with ourselves, then with our partners and that honesty needs to be reciprocal. Having good judgment calls about others starts with how honest we are with ourselves. I should have known better is a common phrase because of our tendency to be dishonest with self and build expectations on those false premises.


█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃
Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

People are horrible judges of character because they are horrible judges or themselves...

I gotta think that most cheating occurs because YOU are not happy with YOUR place in life or the person you have become and you use cheating to try and (get that old thing back... i.e. the imaginary rose colored you of old).

If you are a dude/woman fucking a stripper at your bachelor/ette oarty the week before you get married.. you aren't judging the s.o. wrong..

You aint been real as fuck with yourself and the person you THINK you will be when you get married is a pure figment of your imagination you will never become.

seriously though, cheating is just like anything else. Not everyone will experience but it’s going to happen to you or someone you know or meet but that lt doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.

I would never go into a relationship expecting to be cheated on but I’m not going to act like it’s not possible.

please, cheat

but don't have drugged people, forced yourself on people, paid people off with joint money

Go ahead and cheat on me but just don't be a rapist?

but you can’t trust them to cheat with sense...

why is cheating even a conversation if no one gets “hurt”

cheat with the out of town colleague on a biz trip

not the kid’s caregiver or your assistant who just wants to keep their job

good luck y’all

How does that even fit into this conversation? Apples & Oranges.

been with my wife for 16 years total (6 married).

the phrase "young, dumb, and full of cum" exists for a reason
as men, we're biologically wired to spread our seed far and wide
but during our prime young years (onset of puberty-late 20's)
we're basically on savage beast mode
as we get to middle age we slow down and realize pussy isn't everything
we still want to get it in, but it's not this all-consuming need anymore
and that's where the maturity comes in
the young buck that couldn't resist a PYT throwing it at him in college (when he already had a GF)
will think twice and realize it's not worth it when he's 40

by the time a man matures.
(if she decides to stick around)
Cuz. by then, you’re no longer that fun guy...

men tend to slow down.

I was none of the above, but I did numbers because I was out and about, had something going on (a magazine), and was known in the scene
I was at every party and every show, hanging out backstage interviewing ATCQ and OutKast and shit, so I did my numbers on some
"who is he?" "why is he in the VIP?" steez
I did meet women who I now realize would have made good wives
but back then? sheeeeeeeeeeiiit (c)
what relationship? I was breaking night from Wednesday to Saturday

oh yeah the bad boy/thug/asshole thing
I saw that women that gravitated to those dudes were either "I can change him" or just wanted the thrill and excitement

Now imagine that same thug from 20 years ago
now he's 42 with a belly, still wearing fitteds and baggy roc-a-wear jeans
talking about he's ready to settle down

assuming the sleeping around part has stopped, lol

can't win em all, can't get 100% of what you want all the time, let some things slide

Back then I was on some my way or the highway steez
not an attitude conducive to a healthy balanced relationship
Gotta give up a part of yourself for the greater good

don't make silly excuses when real ones exist.

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

Muthafuckas love saying biological when no evidence exists...

because I would like to know.

people don't stop to think about the things they're saying.

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

It would be pretty difficult to function in most spaces if we all readily acknowledged our lustful desires.

As it’s been mentioned there’s a difference between dating when you’re younger (HS/College) vs when you’re older and are dealing with things like career, etc. It’s unfair to hold people to this standard of having a serious commitment when they 22 when they are still trying to figure out what hairstyle they look best in, lol.

I think something Mori mentioned above has a lot to do with it, finding someone who’s more of a
So the issue when I was dating was less about finding sex but more about finding someone who to borrow her line might actually care enough to visit me in the hospital* It’s why the things that haunt me now about past dating is less about people who I still get hard thinking about, or that exploded in a particularly bad fashion where I was wronged/I wronged them…it’s the partners who were in my corner 100% that I couldn’t make happen long term. Particularly looking back at some of the relationships I put time/energy in with people who couldn’t provide that(lots of it because of their own unresolved issues tho, we all need therapy black folks.) I wish I respected their time/understood what I had more.

And I am not gonna give the hard monogamy sell either. Like if I didn’t have those years of fumbling around single id be half the lover I am now and with all those dumb hang ups we had to unlearn over the years from being teenagers (getting rid of porn moves, learning that sleeping with women isn’t a one size fits all deal, being weird about period blood, etc).And I am not over the beautifully human feeling of attraction. Women are awesome © and it’s easy to fall in love every second so I ain’t mad at the single life either. I don’t understand holding down a relationship and actively cheating; relationship themselves are so much work that if you’ve got time to curate a whole single life odds are the relationship side is going to be sorely lacking



*It’s why I always found the ‘im a nice guy/im a woman who has it all together, why can’t I find someone’ arguments interesting just because half the mofos I know who believe that are inherently bad people.partner.

do you think that ‘“want” differs between men and women?

like. I think it’s something most women initially want of the relationship.
Men? I don’t really know...it takes you longer to get there....

I was gonna wait to confess it but, I can’t count on Geah, lol
Y’all can deal with if y’all want...

but yeah.
I’ve had four long term relationship in my life (4+ years)
none I can say loved me
of the four, theres one I can only say I loved selflessly
and that why it’s been difficult letting it go

I think about how my son loves me...
and it can be uncomfortable at times
Like. weird
I imagine it’s what the love between mates is suppose to look like...

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know what it’s like to love but, to be loved is a different story...

#realshit

loved??
fuck... that shit sounds crazy.
but why do you think that?
what were their actions that made you come to the conclusion that you were never loved?

people have different love languages and different ways of being loved and how they love... maybe yours wasnt coinciding with how they were loving you?

dang

I don't want it to be misinterpreted as a bad thing. It's just something I've come to realize as I recover. Let me preface things by saying, I don't believe there are different forms of love. There's only one! the only way I know how to describe it is...the relationship between mother (parent) and child. My belief was solidified in my last relationship. In that, it is possible to love your mate as much as you do your child. I'm not really counting the other three because neither of us know what love was all about. Like. What Reg said about us being in our 20s.

So now, having the experience of loving someone unconditionally - I'd like to experience what's it like to be loved...unconditionally. The sad reality now is that most people I've encountered don't know how. They don't know how to love AND be loved.

meaning, everyone doesn't express love in the same way. for example, my MIL's love language is giving gifts and cooking food. she's not real nurturing, emotionally available or physical with her expressions of love, but i know that she loves me/us.

also, the love between a parent and child is different than the love between partners, imo. not saying you're wrong, btw (i know sometimes you think i attack you), just saying i think it's different being a husband and a parent. there's also a different love i have for my parents than i do my wife and my children. same goes for my brother, friends etc. i love all of these people a great deal, but not the same way.

I’m never bothered by what you say :-)

but yeah. I don’t believe that! I’ve experienced loving someone the same way I do my child. I was “there”.

That’s the beauty of it. Hence. why my heart hurts...

man. to lose that feeling...
smh

and i guess i see/hear what you're saying. but i know that the love i have for my wife, as great as it is, is not the same love i have for my kids. and i certainly don't love my mother the same way i love my wife, and shouldn't. eww.

... :-)

to me, however, it's just a different shade of love. think of it like jeans (work with me here, this may be a terrible analogy but it just popped in my head). they're all blue jeans, but some are the dark jeans worn more for dressing up, some are light jeans for spring/summer and then there's the jeans that are in the middle that get worn with everything. they are all blue jeans, but they are all a little different.

or we can't love our mothers or fathers
the same way we love our significant others - theres levels to the love....

as far as with a child - that could not be compared with a significant other. the child is your flesh and blood.


___________________
Nas >>> your favorite rapper's favorite rapper

is different than the unconditional love as a parent/child
parent/child:you are nurturing them/raising them/they are depending on you for food/shelter/love/guidance/everything a human needs to thrive.
A child depends on their parent for everything until they start growing up and so forth - that bond is unconditional love and what have you...

as far as a mate - spouse/lovers/significant other type of love
you have many facets that go with that - being intimate/having sex/
sharing moments as adults/experiencing things together/caring for eachother/loving on eachother- its just different

in my beleif - that intimacy that goes along with your partner makes the love between you two different than a parent/child.
you cannot be intimate with your child the same way you do your partner. You cannot put that same love in the same box.
it just doesnt sound right.
intimacy is just a bonus with your partner that strengthens your love.
intimacy doesnt necessarily mean sex, but just talking to eachother in bed, caressing eachother, listening to eachother vent, and of course the best is sex :)

I think that the whole thing about dudes running around when they are younger and settling down when their older is less about the testosterone; more about the shitty standards we set with our peers. Like in ya 20’s it’s not unusual to have your crew pressuring you not to hang with your girl, pressuring you to step out if the opportunity provides (and other young nigga dumb shit regarding career, etc). It takes AWHILE to unlearn that shit

Its why you get the whole ‘Yeah, imma settle down once I get my money/finances’ etc…

Imho its less about the material aspect but somewhere deep inside us recognizing we still have some growing up to do even if we don’t have the tools to figure out what it is so we make it sound like something that can be fixed with ‘job’ or ‘car’.

It’s why there’s a nugget of trut h in the ‘Dudes mess around and one day just marry someone out of the blue’. It’s less about the randomness of it, just the fact that they ‘woke up’ and did the math at what they value at the time.

Funny thing about those random marriage dudes tho; since they weren’t dealing with their past relationships seriously imho its why so many of them choose wrong. So the one that looks like could be ‘wifey’ material at the time gets their application fast tracked with no real background checks, lol.

Which is funny cause those same dudes were on shit like this a year before: ‘Yeah, Kelli’s crazy cool and we’ve been hanging out for the past few months. But in 2009 I heard a rumor that she might have had went on a date with a dude I went to high school with’s cousin on the third side who came from Jamaica and you know how them Jamaician dudes are so like nah on making it official even though she’s not pressuring me. We going to the strip club later?”

LOL.

It’s just now Im finding myself back in younger circles having those same stupid conversations I had decades ago. Like the cheaters in my crew were mostly didn’t know what they wanted or had issues. I know some die hard ‘I just need new women all the time’ type dudes where they really love the thrill of the hunt but even them negros eventually stopped trying to balance out a relationship and embraced, ‘Im just outchea’ singleness.

>>Like the cheaters in my crew were mostly didn’t know what
>they wanted or had issues. I know some die hard ‘I just need
>new women all the time’ type dudes where they really love
>the thrill of the hunt but even them negros eventually stopped
>trying to balance out a relationship and embraced, ‘Im just
>outchea’ singleness.
>

but the timelines and circumstances vary wildly from person to person. it might happen to one dude at 25, but another dude at 45. different strokes.

YES!!! I know so many divorced men who encountered serious problems within 5-7 years into the relationship.

When I ask about the men about their exes, it seems like they ignored HUGE red flags and tied the knot without considering the long term LEGAL implications of marrying someone, such as losing your pension, child support, alimony and divorce lawyers.

The chick might have been pretty, so called "nice girl", and or arm candy. They likely ignore a down assed chick for really petty reasons.

But men who go based on their own timeline usually don't see the pitfalls of not recognizing her timeline.

On the other hand, women want to be a wife sooooo badly. We are so afraid of being a spinster that we will hide our true feelings in an attempt to bag a "good man" and hold onto a marriage.

It almost happened to me. God took me off course. I have no regrets for never marrying my ex. I would have been cheating all over the place out of boredom and lack of passion. But he was a "good guy".

I know nothing about your situation but want to point out the two things are mutually exclusive. That it's entirely possible you have been deeply loved by a man, but miscommunication, misaligned expectations and perceptions prevented you from either accepting or even recognizing that love for what it was. The love we receive does not always look like the love we give.

█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃
Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

however, you don't hurt people you love
no matter what your love language is...

█▆▇▅▇█▇▆▄▁▃
Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

I'd be surprised if you were never really loved because you seem like a nice person. I hope you can find someone to make you feel loved.

love is an emotion/feeling, not an action.

>love is an emotion/feeling, not an action.

that doesn't make it the action.

that went along with it***

boy did those hurt


but I didn't think that my parents didn't 'love' me
like is a whole nother story lol

there’s some good that comes with that ass whooping.
A lesson learned

what are you teaching me by cheating?

and most importantly

Nobody is perfect and life isn't fair

>like is a whole nother story lol

loving someone, but not liking them is a whole nother set of problems lol
>

in the sack and throughout the village / tribe on monogamy, which apparently is a totally recent aberration that came with hoarding possessions, property, land, etc. the research then considers the impacts on "modern" relationships. i make sure anyone i may vibe with seriously knows about this book. that and "the ethical slut" :)