"I have brought here with me my 11-year-old son, his wife and their new-born baby, who I am hoping to sell to singing transvestite Madonna.

"Englishman must have a hobby. Some like to collect the stamp or make jam. But the most fun is to kill a little animal with a shotgun or rip him up with a wild dog."

"There is land of opportunities in US of A. For man, construction work, taxi driving and accountancy. For woman, as a prostitute."

"We say in Kazakhstan, "You find me woman with brain, I find you a horse with wings."

"In America, women can vote, but horse cannot. It is the other way around in my country."

"In the US and A, if you want to marry a girl, you can't just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons of insecticide."

"My wife, she make very much noise when she do a toilet.

"This one I have to pay money for, but she worth it! Waah, waah, wee-waah!"

"I had a very bad gypsy attack; they stole my wife, plough…and they touch my horse in a very bad way. He got very depressed."

"To the world, I love you! Apart from Uzbekistan. Assholes."