You asked for an "honest, open dialog" and I think you got it. It may not answer your questions but as Rainer Maria Rilke put it

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have
patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love
the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written
in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could
not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps
then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even
noticing it, live your way into the answer."