"There's a lot of vague imagery in here ... though it could be tightened up with more attachment to the physical world & less to the abstract so we can visualize even more"

I agree with that. However, I thought about this:

"But the true smiles of little girls
with the hurt & shame & pain
that get their sweetness taken too early..."

There is more than one way a child can "get their sweetness taken too early" It reminds me of this term I heard it freshman English that means "the loss of innocence" (I don't remember the term as of now) Whether it's from molestation, physical and/or emotional abuse, etc., some children unfortunately encounter events which steal their innocence. I understand that. These lines were nice.