at 24, ur little gurl,
now a woman can look
at you and not feel ashamed,
b/c all the years of loving you,
all the hard work in getting along,
all the times wasted, but spent anyway,
has been one big mistake---
and it began with me.

so you got over
living for yourself
and began loving for me,
but not really, at 26,
u gave me him, and my
8 year old soul smiled
because i was not alone
anymore. he drew close.
clung to my legs, stood
at the stairs when i wanted
to play and cried
like someone was taking
his favorite toy---
and my back became the
most common thing for him
to see, cuz i got so used
to walking away.

he never cried for you,
he was my doll,
my playmate, my guinea pig
for new designs and new baby
outfits, and we grew to
stick together because we
were all we had. so busy tryin'
to keep our father,
u forgot about us...
"tremaine, i'll listen to you
before i listen to momma,"
and i *nod* cuz what else
is there to say? he never "knew"
you the way i did.
never saw you when your
hair hung past your shoulders,
never embraced your giggle,
never got the chance to cuddle
next to you during a nap, cuz
the meaning to mother slowly
faded away.

now 16, he is lost without u...
and at 42, u're still fuckin'
the nite air, still tongue-kissin'
teenage clubs, and pussy poppin'
for men we don't even know.
but, "i'm grown, it doesn't matter
what you say, cuz it begins
and ends with my words. i'm rite,
i'm the mother." he looks to me
unsure of how to respond,
and all i have for him are
*shrugs* and hugs filled
with, "i love you even when
u've done wrong," cuz he is mine.
u gave him to me. he is ur
2nd mistake.


©Tremaine L. Loadholt

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is all
got ©amel larrieux